


When I Was a Child

by EvermorePetrichor



Series: When I Was a Child [1]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Dead Toby Smith | Tubbo, Dyslexic Toby Smith | Tubbo, Gen, Ghost Toby Smith | Tubbo, Happy Toby Smith | Tubbo, Traumatized Toby Smith | Tubbo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29821266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvermorePetrichor/pseuds/EvermorePetrichor
Summary: When you were a child you . . .Played with toys?Annoyed your siblings?Went to school?When I was a child I . . .Lived in a box.Fought in wars.Killed.When I was a child I died.This is my story.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Series: When I Was a Child [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2192202
Comments: 8
Kudos: 63
Collections: Schlatt's Right Hand Man





	1. Introduction - Abandonment

I was a child when my story began.  
I was a child when my story ended.   
I was a child every second in between.  
I was a child even when witnessing things no child ever should.

I was a child when I first experienced death,  
Crushing and everlasting.  
I was a child when I first experienced love,  
Boundless and free.

I crossed worlds for someone,  
I was still a child.  
Sometimes I was the judge, jury, and executioner.  
Yes, I was still a child.

“But how can a mere child go through this much?”  
Simple. The world is cruel.  
“But WHY is a mere child going through this much?”  
Not as simple. I’ve asked myself the same question time and time again.

I have always been a child.  
I was a child the day I died.  
A story about a child is not necessarily for children.  
So let the story of this child begin.

I was a child when I was born. Obviously.  
I only remember lots and lots of blood.  
Too much blood.  
I was a child when my father brought only me home that night.

I was a child when I first experienced hunger.  
For as long as I could remember,  
A pain in my stomach that never went away.  
No matter how much I cried and begged.

I was a child when I had my first memory of my father.   
Sitting on his lap,  
Playing with his beard,  
I was a child when I looked into his tired eyes and saw only heartbreak.

Even as a child I understood sadness.  
Even as a child I understood that he was broken.  
I was a child when I asked my first question:  
“Was I to blame?”

I was a child when I woke up in the middle of nowhere.  
In a box.  
I was a child when I saw the last of my father for a long time.  
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he walked away.

I was a child when the rain came.  
Cold and wet,  
Washing away everything in sight.  
If only it could wash away my pain too.

I was a child when I first envied the stars.  
Looking up at them in the night sky,  
All of them clustered together, like a family.  
I was a child the day I forgot what a family was.

I was a child the day my heart broke.  
“I really was to blame.”  
But I was still a child, looking only to be loved and taken care of.  
“Surely he would come back for me . . .  
. . . Surely . . .”


	2. Running Out of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm running out of time . . . 
> 
> Somebody help me . . .
> 
> Please . . .

I was a child, sitting alone in a box.  
I was a child, tired and scared.  
Have you ever tried to sit in a box for days on end?  
Didn’t think so.

I was a child waiting for something, anything.  
At that point, I didn’t even know who or what I was waiting for anymore.  
At that point, I had lost all hope.  
I was a child when my days became numbered.

I was a child, unable to move.  
I was a child, stuck waiting for someone I knew, deep down, wasn’t returning.  
“Please . . . Somebody . . .”  
And yet . . . I was a child the day my saviour appeared.

I was a child when I woke up and saw an unknown pair of eyes staring back at me.  
A shade of blue unlike anything I’d ever seen before,  
So bright and clear and curious.  
I was a child when I met my first Fellow Child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you SO MUCH for all of the support I've been getting so far, it really means a lot to me. 
> 
> Today's post will be kind of short, but I'm in school and suffering so bear with me. I promise things will start to pick up soon.
> 
> I also saw a comment about how Tommy and Tubbo are uncomfortable with shipping, and I would just like to clear up that I am completely aware of that and I am disgusted by people who think that's ok. I love their brotherly relationship and that's the only thing you will be getting here. Tomorrow you'll be seeing more of that, so if you see the word "love" know that I only mean that in a brotherly way. Remember, love has so many more facets than people believe. Thank you and sorry if it appeared as though that was something that was going to be included.
> 
> Speaking of Tommy, guess who's getting introduced to the story tomorrow . . .


	3. Saviour?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have a friend now.
> 
> I owe him my life.

“HELLO!” Fellow Child said, quite loudly.  
Something you should understand about Fellow Child is that he’s always been loud.  
However, I was a tinier child, quite comparable to a puppy, actually.  
Small and curious, yet unable to respond.

“DO YOU LIVE HERE?” Fellow Child asked, still quite loud.  
I shook my head.  
“AW, THAT’S TOO BAD. I LIVE JUST OVER THERE AND IT GETS REALLY LONELY OUT HERE. DO YOU GET LONELY? I BET YOU GET LONELY. I HAVEN’T GOT MANY FRIENDS AND MY OLDER SIBLINGS ARE REALLY MEAN TO ME, LIKE, ALL THE TIME. DO YOU HAVE ANY OLDER SIBLINGS? YOU SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WHO . . .”  
Fellow Child, I discovered, also really liked to talk.

I was a child, just as friendless and lonely as Fellow Child had pointed out.  
So I listened when Fellow Child talked.  
And he sure did talk.  
Every. Single. Day.

Fellow Child didn’t have anyone to talk to.  
I was a child who didn’t have anyone to listen to.  
So it was like finding a missing piece of ourselves in each other.  
I was a child when I met my first friend.

I was a child, no longer as much of a lonely one.  
I had Fellow Child,  
And Fellow Child had me.  
I was a child with renewed hope for my future.

I was a child when I first experienced kindness.  
It came in the form of Fellow Child’s food and stories.  
Fellow Child was younger than me,  
Yet he’d experienced so much more life than I had.

I was a child, just learning of the world.  
Fellow Child told me of his family.  
His pair of older twins,  
And his dad.

Fellow Child told me about the things he liked.  
Dancing to music,  
Play - fighting with his older siblings,  
Listening to his dad’s stories (which he recounted to me).

I was a child when my hunger went away.  
Not just for food, because Fellow Child did sneak me food sometimes,  
But for acknowledgment.  
For love.

I was a child when I first experienced love,  
Boundless and free.  
Love for a Fellow Child  
As lonely as me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Tommy!  
> So here we have our first instance of a "named character" which can kinda get confusing since I'm not really naming them. "Tommy" in this case is "Fellow Child." You'll see more instances of me naming people through adjectives once more of the Sleepy Bois get added in. Hopefully you'll be able to point out who's who.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading. Seriously, I did not think this many people were going to like my weird little interpretation of Tubbo's dsmp life. I hope you all enjoyed and thanks again :)


	4. Where Happiness Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Cough, cough*
> 
> Why does happiness and *cough, cough* freedom always *cough, cough* elude me.
> 
> Taunt me. *cough, cough*
> 
> Make me suffer.

However, I was a child when I learned that nothing lasts forever.  
I was a child the day my world shattered.  
I was a child when I became sick.  
Deathly so.

I was a child who’d been living in a box for over a week now.  
I’m sure you can imagine how taxing that was on my health.  
Fellow Child did all that he could for me,  
But I was a child when I began knocking on Death’s door.

“But why hadn’t you gone to live with Fellow Child and his family at that point?”  
I was a child in a state of denial.  
I was a child who still loved my father,   
Even if he didn’t love me back.

I was a child the day I saw my father again.  
He was standing in front of my box,  
Staring at me,  
Wearing the same clothes, almost like he’d never left.

I was a child when he scooped me up into his cool arms.  
“Daddy?” I mumbled.  
He smiled down at me.  
I was a child when I started to feel myself drift away.

“But, your father is gone . . . maybe even dead,” the little voice in my head said.  
I knew that, but I didn’t care.  
I was a child, drowning in bliss,  
Even if my father was carrying me to join him among the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the long - ish break. Decided to take the weekend off to work on my mental health. But I'm back now! Well, with a depressing and short chapter, but I'm still back!
> 
> I've also just been feeling kind of discouraged with the current Prison lore on the Dream smp. One of the coolest things, and also one of my favorite things, about their lore was the cannon life system. Now we're just throwing all that out the window with the Revive book, and giving it to Dream, no less. Not that I've decided to stop watching, I'm just going to take a step back from the enthusiasm I held before.
> 
> Idk, maybe I've just depressed about Wilbur my beloved being a bad guy again. I love him and want him to come back so bad, but not like this. Please not like this. 
> 
> (However I did see something about Tommy actually going insane in the afterlife like Wilbur and then they team up and both become bad guys. Wouldn't that be awesome? I mean, with the amount of times we're assuming Dream is going to send Tommy there, it might just happen. This just took Tommy's potential Villain Arc to a WHOLE new level).
> 
> Anyway guys, hope you enjoy today's short chapter, I'll see y'all tomorrow.  
> Oh! And I have an Insta now! Go follow me @EvermorePetrichor where I'll be posting some Dsmp fanart and other cool theories and stories on the Dsmp. Thanks!


	5. Dead?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, everything is so . . . nice.
> 
> Calm and Peaceful.
> 
> I feel so much better . . . 
> 
> Wait . . . who's that?

“Wow . . . I guess you really were a child when you died.”  
Well yes, that is still true.  
But hold your horses,  
I still have some life left in me.

I was a child when I woke up in a room.  
It was small, cozy, and furnished.  
I was a child when I saw an unknown man sitting across from me.  
I was a child, just as confused as when I’d woken up in my box.

“HELLO!” somebody yelled at me.  
In my confusion, I didn’t notice Fellow Child.  
He was staring up at me, usual brightness in his eyes,  
But there was an underlying glint of worry there that I found touching.

“OH THANK GOD YOU’RE ALIVE. I TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF - MY BROTHER TAUGHT ME A LOT ABOUT THE PLANTS IN THESE WOODS BUT OHMAHGOD YOU WERE GETTING SO HOT AND IT WASN’T STOPPING AND I WAS GETTING REALLY WORRIED, AND THEN YOU WOULDN’T WAKE UP SO I HAD TO -”

“Come on now,” the unknown man scolded, ushering Fellow Child out of the small room,  
“We don’t want to overwhelm your friend here.” A little too late for that.  
He turned to me, a menacing stance for some, but I was a child who didn’t care at this point.  
For all I knew, I was dead.

“So . . . You’re the reason I haven’t seen my son for the past week, hm?”

Hallucinations.   
Have you ever had them?  
Apparently my fever got so bad that I started having them.  
At least, that’s what Fellow Child’s Father told me.

I believed him though.  
It must have been him that picked me up and brought me to his house.  
Not my father,  
And definitely not to Heaven.

I was a child when I began to settle into a new life.  
Fellow Child’s life, to be exact.  
He was ecstatic that I was living with him now.  
I was a child who needed some adjusting, for sure.

I was a child when I met Fellow Child’s Father,  
The man who saved my life.  
I was a child when I met Fellow Child’s siblings,  
Two older brothers, twins, to be exact.

I was a child when I began to forget.  
Or, try to forget, the hardships I’d faced.  
I was a child when I started smiling again.  
I was a child when I learned what a family truly was:

We help each other.  
When we fight, which we do a lot,  
We still forgive each other afterwards.  
And, most importantly, we never abandon each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dead? Sike. 
> 
> Tubbo's fine. However I do intend killing him off at some point, as you already know by the context of the introduction. I haven't really decided how yet, as he is still on his last life, though I am toying with some ideas about like the "bad endings" from the final disc saga. @Korokapot has a cool example of this on Instagram that I might be taking some ideas from. 
> 
> So if this starts to stray from the actual lore, you'll know why :)
> 
> Anyway, thank you guys so much for reading. 500 hits?! That's already halfway to a thousand and it's only the 5th chapter. Thanks again and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)


	6. A New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I've finally found peace.
> 
> I don't think it will last for long,  
> As happiness still has the tendency to elude me,  
> But I'm going to enjoy it for now.
> 
> For as along as I can.

I was a child, one night, relaxing with my new family.  
It was one of the fun nights,  
A family tradition night.  
I was a child, enjoying the music floating throughout the house.

Since the twins were both Older Brothers,  
I discerned them through adjectives.  
Fellow Older Brother - my favorite of the two,  
Quiet Older Brother - the older of the two.

Fellow Brother was strumming the guitar.  
I called him that because, between him and his twin,  
He was the one most similar to Fellow Child.  
Loud and thrill - seeking.

However, there was an older maturity about him.  
I got the sense that even he saw a lot of himself in Fellow Child,  
So he wanted to guide him as much as he could.  
I got the same sense from the other members of his family too.

Even from Quiet Brother.  
Who, like me, was sitting in silence.  
While Fellow Child was most like Fellow Brother,  
I was a child, more like Quiet Brother.

I was a child who preferred to observe,  
It’s how I was able to discern everyone’s habits,  
Like what I’m doing right now!  
Same with Quiet Brother.

I was a child who preferred to let others fill the silence.  
I didn’t like to talk much,  
Silence had been my only companion for a while now.  
Same with Quiet Brother.

In a sense, you could say we bonded over this,  
Our love of contemplative silence.  
However, there was one difference:  
I don’t think he liked me enough to talk to me in the first place.

I was a child who, really, didn’t blame him.  
I could sense that he was very protective over his family,  
As all eldest children should be,  
And I was a new variable, something he didn’t expect.

I was a child when Fellow Child told me he wasn’t that friendly to most people.  
That it was nothing personal.  
I was a child who meant no harm,  
So I stayed in a passive state until they felt comfortable enough around me.

I was a child when I learned that this was something families did.  
Protect each other.  
Love each other.  
Unconditionally.

I was a child when I found out that was a thing.  
Unconditional Love.  
It had seemed everything in my life up to this point had had conditions.  
But for now, I was happy to view it around me in content silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Kinda forget to post until late yesterday and then just decided not to :).  
> Again, just kinda feeling discouraged with the current lore on the Dream SMP, so I'm running low on inspiration.
> 
> I also just completely and totally forgot to include the Disc Saga from Tubbo's pov, so I've had to rewrite A LOT and it's been a bit distracting. And hard. And long. Help. Me.
> 
> Anyway, he's found peace! But for how long will it last . . . ?
> 
> See ya guys tomorrow! :)


	7. - INTERLOUGE - PhanTommy - INTERLOUGE -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time freezes.
> 
> How about we take a look at the future and see how our little child and his friend are doing now.
> 
> \--DEPERSONALIZATION/DEREALIZATION WARNING--  
> (Make sure you read the note at the beginning)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Now! If you're confused by what I wrote in the summary, here is my explanation: - YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO READ THIS SO YOU AREN'T CONFUSED -  
> So I'll hand it to you straight: This isn't a "When I Was a Child" chapter. I'm starting to get backed up and, as I've mentioned before, I just completely and totally forgot to write the Disc Saga from Tubbo's point of view. I originally just wanted to skip it, but then I remembered I was toying with Tubbo dying in the Final Disc Saga stream, so that wasn't exactly possible.  
> So, I'm taking a bit of a break to get caught up on writing. I told you guys at the start that this would be entirely possible, so here ya go.  
> HOWEVER! I don't want to leave you guys empty handed. So, I wrote this . . . poem, I guess? It's got the same type of format as "When I Was a Child," just minus When I was a child . . . I basically just started randomly working on it during the Grammy's last night and then I started to get super proud of it and now here we are. I really liked it and wanted to share it with you guys so uh . . . Here ya go!  
> It's basically just me riffing off all of those "I still feel dead" thoughts that Tommy was having in his stream where he left the prison which I then turned into a weird little story (It's from his perspective, not Tubbo's). Idk, you guys make of it what you will.  
> Also, I've decided that my schedule will be everyday minus weekends mostly because that's what I'm doing right now.
> 
> Um . . . enjoy I guess?

If you were in a dark room,  
Trapped and alone,  
Who would you cry for?  
Me?  
Or Him.  
You hesitate,  
And that’s what scares me.  
_I_ would cry for you.  
_I did_ cry for you!  
_“Times change,”_ you say,  
_“People move on . . .  
. . . And I suggest you do too.”_  
Well, if that’s true,  
_Then why am I the only one who still hurts?_  
The past has caused me nothing but pain,  
Perhaps even more so than you!  
_So why am I unable to move on?  
Why am I unable to forget?  
Unable to heal . . ._  
I can feel the darkness closing in again.  
Choking me.  
Holding me back within its grasp.  
This server and all of its members have begun to move on . . .  
. . . Without me.  
There was a time when I accused Dream of becoming victim to the same thing.  
_“You’re just like me,”_ he responded.  
I denied it then but . . .  
. . . but now I’m not so sure.  
Death might not holding any meaning to me anymore,  
But nobody said anything about consequence.  
I am now a ghost among men.  
Alive, but blinded by all that I’ve seen.  
Whole, but damaged by my inability to cope.  
I’ve seen death . . .  
I know what it does to people,  
What it _should_ do to people!  
I know what ghosts are.  
I have stared one dead in the eyes,  
And yet . . .  
The same pain that I feel everyday does not reflect back.  
I turn to you,  
What do your eyes reflect?  
Although they might reflect pain as well,  
Your body language says otherwise.  
Tears flooding your vision as you lean away from me,  
As you lean towards him,  
I realize something:  
_It’s fear of . . . me!_  
Frantically I look around,  
I’m met with the same glassy stare of mistrust and confusion.  
_“You’re . . . alive . . .”_ they mumble.  
_W - what?  
Of course I am!  
Am I not supposed to be?  
W - wait!  
Guys!  
Why are all of you treating me differently?  
I’m not dead . . . right?  
I’m still me . . .  
. . . right?_  
I’m a freak.  
That’s right, I said what you all are thinking.  
I’m.  
A.  
Freak.  
It’s what I hear playing on repeat as all of you turn your backs on me.  
You reach out your hand to comfort me,  
But I run.  
I know you don’t mean it anyway.  
For why would someone as happy as you take pity on someone as broken as me.  
As I shut myself away,  
As I cower in fear of . . . myself,  
I thought plagues me:  
_**He** did this to me.  
**He** should be the one suffering,  
Not me._  
I feel something growing inside of me.  
A thirst for blood,  
A thirst for revenge.  
I will make him pay.  
I will make them all pay!

_“W - Why are you doing this?”_  
Wait.  
You guys don’t know why?  
Wha - hahahahaHAHAHA!  
AFTER ALL THE LOOKS OF FEAR YOU GAVE ME.  
AFTER ALL THE TIMES YOU SAID, “WAIT, YOU’RE ALIVE?”  
LIKE YOU WERE BETTER OFF WHEN I WAS DEAD.  
YOU GUYS MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FREAK!  
So how about you look inside of your dark, soulless self's to find the answer.  
_“Monster.”_  
You utter that one, simple word backed by so much venom in your voice.  
Well . . . perhaps . . .  
But it came from you of all people,  
So I pause.  
You’re taken aback when tears begin to flood my vision.  
Yes, I still feel pain.  
Yes, I’m still hurt by what I’m doing.  
_Yes,_ I whisper, _but sometimes even monsters can feel pain and guilt._  
I - I don’t want these thoughts in my head.  
These thoughts are . . . awful.  
They're not . . . me . . .  
_But perhaps **he’s** the one putting them in your head_  
Yes . . . that’s it.  
My tangent is interrupted by another voice.  
It’s him.  
My replacement.  
_“It’s the only way you’ll get him out of your head, right?”_ he whispers.  
He understands?  
Why is he, of all people, the only one to understand.  
_Yes._  
He nods.  
A sort of knowing flashes through his eyes.  
It’s the first time something besides fear flashes through someone's eyes as they look at me.  
He drags you away from me,  
Neither of you look back.  
I tell myself it’s for the best but . . .  
And although it pains me to do so,  
I know it’s the only way I’ll feel like myself again.  
_You whisper to Dream: I’m coming for you you green son of a bitch._

_A shade or wraith is a subset of spirit, and one more often held to a darker purpose. The two are used interchangeably, but I prefer to use shade. Shades have a higher strength threshold than many geists, but they sacrifice a level of autonomy, as shades have their powers bound within their own arcane, amoral code. Because of this, shades are often affiliated with ghouls, more so than any other ghost or spirit._ \- Lev Novak (A Beginner's Guide to Ghosts) 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first AO3 story and I hope you really enjoy it! If you're confused, here's a bit of my thought process:  
> So basically I was thinking about how interesting Tubbo's story was (And yes, the narrator in this case is Tubbo), and I wanted a way of showing that. However, I wanted to make it as realistic as possible. So, you get this recounting/retelling of his life/past from his dead self. I didn't want this to be your average fanfic, so I won't list names at all during this story. But, you will be able to point out all the different events on the Dream SMP from Tubbo's perspective. All of this following the poem format of, "When I was a child . . . "
> 
> Yes, I know it's a bit odd, but I'm really proud of it and I hope you enjoy. As for a schedule, this is something I've been working for a while now, so I've got quite a lot already done. I'll probably post about a chapter a day, depending on where my cliffhangers land (though it's not really cliffhangers if you get what I mean). However, if I start to get backed up and I haven't made the next chapter, then please understand if I have to take a little hiatus. This intro will probably be the longest I post, just for retention/hooking purposes.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading and, again, I hope you guys enjoy this little story I made :)


End file.
